My sister went back to the hospital today with a blood clot. My mom called to tell me and was really concerned because my sister said she didn't need to do treatment right away and would do it "later". I'm not a doctor but I think blood clots are fairly serious? So I talked with my mom who was fairly panicked and thought we could come up with a plan together - that's what we do on a weekly basis. My sister heard my mom on the phone and she said nice and loud "Tell her she doesn't have to pretend to care about me". 

Now I know my sister is bitter and angry about us asking her to leave, I don't even blame her. I just wish she didn't blame me either. It makes me want to say "Forget it - I don't love you anymore." I wanted to throw the phone across the room and rip up every picture of her. Sometimes I feel like I hate her. My life has been ripped apart by this disease. Not just hers - all of us, totally living in the devastation of what is left of her. I'm not even allowed to feel bad for her when she in the hospital. I'm not allowed to worry or call and check in. I'm nothing to her today. For a year and a half I have fought for her - lied for her - begged for her - manipulated for her. I have done things I am not proud of to get her stabalized. I don't want a medal - I want my sister back!

It just hurts - it shouldn't hurt anymore. I know better. I wish it didn't matter when she makes snide comments or writes me hateful email. I have a pretty tough skin when it comes to her and I can be cold - she is not imagining this. It's too hard to love her completely anymore. I am waiting for her to die. It's not just BPD, she has many health issues that should have killed her a long time ago and she continues to smoke, drink and abuse drugs with a body that is already living on borrowed time and I am afraid she will die with her last words to me being, "Tell her she doesn't have to pretend to care about me". 

And I want to make a list of all the things we have sacrificed and given to make her better and I want to shove it in her face and tell her to shut up. But that's my anger talking and it is not what I want to do at all. I want to have BBQs with her again and watch her chase her kids around the yard. I want to play card games and laugh at our partners and laugh at ourselves. I want her back. At the very least I want her to know I love her before she dies. I want her to love me again. My mom says that somewhere inside her she is who we knew and loved and that her reality has caught up to her and she is scared and worried and tired. But I know what she knows - that parts of me have given up on her. There has just been no hope in over a year now, no sparkle, no possibilities. My mom keeps going, keeps pushing her through to the next day and I am sitting here doing nothing anymore because if I do anything else for her and it doesn't work, I just don't think I could go on. I cried at work again - there is so much mental illness and so much pain out there. I think about her everyday. She will never know how consumed I am by her.