I miss her, I miss her, I miss her.
And I am going to break her heart again. I simply don't know a way around it. Frankly, I want to get under the covers and never come out.
Her son is in his first play at his new Fine Arts School. It is a big event there, the whole school participates in the play - The Wizard of Oz this year. He is a poppy who puts Dorothy and her friends to sleep. My sister goes into Rehab on March 6 and his play is March 5 - we have tried our best to make it happen that she will be there. We have a ticket for her. She could go and watch him and head into rehab the next day. In my head I envisioned her filling up with joy and pride and floating to rehab ready to fight her addictions with a renewed sense of hope and motivation.
That's my agenda.
My sister refuses to speak to me. She had called one night soon after we had to ask her to leave our house for drinking. She was extremely angry with my husband and she had been ranting to my mom about how much she hated us. She wanted to talk to her son and my husband said he didn't think it was a good idea right now. Hear the sound of our covenant to never keep her from her son cracking.
My husband is a very smart and kind man. He is not evil or vindictive but he made a mistake. He came to me and told me what happened, we discussed it and he decided to call her back and apologize and let her speak to her son. She has not gotten over this. My mother says she talks about this every day - that we broke our promise, that she cannot believe how awful we are (I am saying this in a much nicer way than she does) and that she will never forgive us.
Back to the play. My mom and sister do not live in the same city as we do. They need a place to stay overnight to go to the play. My husband and I told my sister that we would no longer have her here overnight because the last three times she drank. It is not just the drinking - it is the over exposure to her son. He loves her so much and he is devastated to see her in so much pain. He feels he is the reason she is in pain. I promised her I would protect him no matter how hard it got - when she was well enough to understand what that might mean. Now that she is so fiercely ill and cannot remember our deal, she viciously tries to rip me apart when I gently remind her how fragile he is.
Of course, she will not speak to me. We cannot discuss this, I cannot quell her pain and her feelings of abandonment. I cannot tell her that I would lie under a train if I could get her here to watch her son and sit together as a family and smile and laugh at him as he dances around on stage. In my mind, I can see her smiling at me slyly and covering her mouth as she stifles back tears because she is so proud. I can see her scooping him up and squeezing him until he squeals. In my mind I see how amazing this night should be.
But she will not talk to me. I have asked my mother to have her call me so we can make a plan in case she gets overwhelmed. I suspect she is plotting revenge on me and my husband as she has before. She wants to lash out and she wants to hurt us. She says she will stay here and stay in her son's room and she won't speak to any of us. She has forgotten the logistics of getting her son to bed at the right time and brushing his teeth. Of reading him a story and gently reminding him to put his bad thoughts away and think of something happy. He is unable to do that while she is here. She wants to lock him in a room with her and forge a revenge on us. She does not see the impact this will have on him.
She has forgotten the logistics of the tickets and the seats so close together and driving there because my mom is too scared to drive in the city. She will be overcome with guilt and remorse as she watches him dance on the stage wondering where she was while this was all being planned, wondering how come she didn't know until right at that moment he was to be a poppy. She has forgotten how embarrassed he is at school functions of explaining who I am and who she is and how it all works. I think he has told people she is in the hospital so they will wonder how she got there. Her demeanor is so reckless and unforgiving. She is loud and rude and aggressive. I want to believe that she could attend his play and be grateful for the moment, that she could store the memory in her mind to recall when she was falling, that it would motivate her and keep her strong in rehab.
But I fear that the opposite will happen.
I just fear.
Every day.
And so I spoke with my mother yesterday and we decided it was best to stay with the original plan and not have her come here and set her up for failure. My mother will try to discuss with her what she is feeling and how we can make this play happen without overwhelming her and hurting her. My husband and I have agreed not to go so that she can be there if that works better. I will do that for her even though it kills me to not be there for my nephew. I want him to have her anyway he can. I want her to see his little face poking out of his poppy costume. I want it to heal her some, just a little. Please, oh pretty please?
But perhaps, she will just drive into town the next day and go straight to rehab, do not pass go, do not kiss the little boy in the Poppy costume.
God, I miss her today.
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