It has been such a long time since I have written here. For awhile, I felt I had to let it go, let my sister go. It is of course, an impossible task. It is also contagious this grief and spiraling anxiety. Mental health is so tenuous for all of us, something we take for granted when it is well, something completely encompassing when it's not.

I have been separated from my husband now for over 10 months. To be sure, the strain from my sister was unbearable at times but with some hindsight behind me, I can see the tenuous nature of my husband's mental health was also at play. I wonder sometimes if I am a magnet for the unwell. In the end, he was so unwell, diabolically unwell. I used to think no one could outdo my sister in that capacity - the desire to wreck me. I was wrong.

I am blogging from a very different perspective now. My sister's addictions have all but over run her mental health - so much so that I have to remind myself she is sick or else I would be swept up in a tide of bitterness, unable to love her. But I do. The sickening difference is how quickly I was able to unlove my husband when he began exhibiting the same symptoms, the same impulsive, self centered, destructive symptoms. I'm still trying to decide if he is mentally ill or just an asshole. Which has made me wonder how many mentally ill people are out there - undiagnosised,unaware of the wire connections breaking down. And it makes me wonder - am I one of them? I feel something akin to insanity these days. I find myself jealous of my sister's behaviors being attributed to her illness over and over again, the way people wave off her impulsiveness and recklessness. I do it too. I have read so much, researched so much to try and understand but I assure you that I still do not understand. As sick as I feel inside, as damaged and wrecked as I am, I still get up everyday and go to work. I raise my children, her child, and many others. I manage. Why? Why doesn't this feeling of insanity over take me? My anxiety is so bad, I have trouble sleeping, then even more trouble waking, always so scared of what the day will bring. I do not see joy anymore - but then I re-read my posts and I wonder if I ever did. They all seem eerily alike, as if I have been trapped in this insanity for a long, long time. People tell me that the family of the mentally ill or addicts are probably sicker than the person. Is that true? Is that what happened to my husband?

The end of my marriage feels like some more collateral damage. I worry I will never be able to love anyone again - it seems so pointless, so risky. I know - it always has been right? Love is risky. But I never considered love to be dangerous. It feels like the love I had for my sister and my husband is sinking me. How much more can I take? Do I even have anything left to give?

The only running I'm doing now is away. I don't think I'll ever get far enough to feel peace again. For the record, I have no compassion for my husband. It feels too scripted, like he watched her long enough to know what to say and what to do to look crazy and then POOF! He was well again. He left me with so much pain that my compassion dims for everyone else now too. I have learned that loving someone and trying to do the right thing by them does not always lead to the path of redemption. Sometimes people don't care what you give up for them - as long as they have what they need, they'll let you rot. My husband and my sister are exactly the same that way.