2 steps forward...10 steps back

I have been waking up every morning again with my crazy anxiety. The kind that keeps you up at night and won't let you sleep in. I realize more and more that I am a changed person and I see it more clearly, how much I am struggling to keep up with regular people. I just cannot get back to me, not since my sister became lost. I truly don't trust anyone anymore - not even my best friends. My life used to be so different. I remember when people used to line up at the door for my birthday parties and I went out every weekend. It seemed like there was no lack of places to be and people to be with. When I look at myself in the mirror, my face has changed, literally changed. I have aged in two years beyond what I thought possible. I feel so excited to go out and have fun and then just before I go out I think, "I don't want to do this". My stomach starts to hurt and I feel suddenly very aware of how different I look and how different I feel and I think people will notice and they won't like it. In truth I know that it is me who is turning people away. I don't want to explain my life anymore, I don't want people to judge me or talk about me like I am the winner of the Most Dysfunctional Family Award. I get it - we're a fucked up bunch. I think the difference is I never used to care what people thought. I was confident and I used to be able to say, "so what?" if someone didn't like me then. It changed how people saw me, even if they didn't like me, they were drawn in by my confidence and my fun - I never seemed to be anywhere I wasn't having fun. Now I am fucking paranoid and sketchy, everywhere I go. I feel like I can't go anywhere without someone else I know, who will rescue me if God forbid anyone tries to talk to me. I say weird things because I feel so nervous all the time. I wish I had the same confidence I do at work - for some reason, being around other people who are just as messed up makes me stand straighter and talk prouder.

I used to have a charmed life - despite the circumstances of my family. My best friend used to live here and she would drag me out no matter what was going on. She lives in another country now and on her last trip here it was clear we were not on each other's level anymore. I was older, less willing to take risks, more wrapped up in my pain and suffering. She told me she doesn't email me as much or check in because I bring her down. I was of course offended and then devastated. I never thought I would be that person for her. I never thought I would be this person for me.

It started with my sister's boyfriend and his family. I loved him and he was definitely a part of our family. They came over and played games and drank with my husband and I while we were just dating. He came to me when he was worried about my sister or they were fighting. We were close. It was clear that his family didn't really like me - they thought I was showy and loud and probably over the top. It is hard to imagine me like that anymore but they were probably right. The thing is, his family didn't seem to like him that much either. He was kind of the outcast so we just took him under our wing and made him our own. I never gave it much thought - this family that didn't seem to like me. I felt beautiful and outgoing and fun and they were probably just jealous. This is how I used to feel - infallible. When things went wrong with my sister, I could not believe how quickly that family turned on me. They blamed me - outright. Said I was the one who put all the ideas in her head. They told people they SAW me in the bathroom doing drugs. They called the police and said I had my sister on my caseload at work and the police came to my work, talked to my boss. I had to go under oath time after time in court and prove my worth. They laughed and waved mockingly when I dropped my niece off after visitations. They wrote "anonymous" emails saying how I was responsible for what my sister had done and I should be ashamed and that my children would probably grow up to be losers just like me. They called Child Welfare and make accusations about neglect. It went on and on and on. I had never in my life been so disliked - hated even.

When my husband and I started dating, this was not happening yet. It would happen very soon after we met but at first I was definitely the party girl. I didn't get to go out often so I always made sure to make the most of it. Before my husband and I started dating I met all of his friends at BBQs and parties and they seemed to love me. Or maybe I just didn't see it or care if they didn't back then. I knew who I was, I was confident. I never felt worried then that people didn't like me and for all intense purposes, they seemed to love when I showed up. After we started dating, things got weird. A girl I knew for a long time and who was a friend of a friend but someone I thought I knew fairly well "cautioned" my husband about dating me. She said I was a party girl, and she was worried I would hurt him. She was worried I would embarrass her actually. When I confronted her, she totally denied it but things started to get worse after all the stuff with my sister started to happen. I was distraught. I can't honestly imagine what I must have looked like or sounded like. I know I told stories everywhere I went - I was not embarrassed, I was devastated. It consumed me and I could see people were starting to pull away from me. It felt like all of my husband's friends were suddenly very worried about him, about him being with me. His family was equally worried. They questioned if he wanted to be in the middle of this. They questioned if he wanted to be with me. The more he stuck to his guns and stood by me, the more people seemed to dislike me. I have never fit into his family and the gap just got wider and wider. I feel like they tolerate me now and they definitely barely tolerate my family. They do not have open arms for them at all. We will never share Christmas together, they will never ask. I get it. We're a fucked up bunch.

So in a year, I was completely ousted by three different groups of people. I started to change. I started to notice people standing further from me. I heard whispers and saw stares. I realized that I was now the freak. Maybe I always was - I just honestly never noticed. Or maybe I never cared. But I see it now, the uncomfortable feeling people have around me - even new people I have never met because I am different. I am nervous and always looking for clues that people know I am not the same as them. I can't tell stories anymore. I am envious of other people's lives. For some reason, this had never happened to me before. I was always so glad for people's lives and successes. I was always the first person people would call to tell me their good news because I was genuinely happy for them. I am struck by so much envy and pain now it is hard to function. It is hard to be around people in love, people with new babies, new jobs, family functions. I went through a whole summer of weddings and spent most of them in the bathroom crying after the Father/Daughter dance or the speeches of how wonderful the couple was, all they had done. My life would never be that way again. And I was envious. I was sick with jealousy. It has made me bitter and unapproachable. I am changed by my family's shortcomings in a way I never was before. I used to be the rock. I used to be the forgiveness in my family. I used to make the lemonade out of those lemons and now I just let them rot.

13 years ago tomorrow, my Dad hung himself. I guess looking back at his funeral, I did have experiences where people left me out, where people started to stay very far from me for a time. No one knows what to say when your Dad hangs himself. My Dad's whole family shunned us kids. We were to blame and in truth, I stood out as the biggest target of blame. I shouldered that for years to protect them and to protect my Dad. I couldn't blame him for his own actions and I couldn't allow others to either. Blame the golden girl gone wrong - the one who broke his heart with a child out of wedlock at 19. Blame me. I blamed me for so many years and I am sure I could still dig up a morsel of blame today if you try hard enough. Tomorrow it will be 13 years. 13 years from that first degradation. My first public humiliation. The first tear in my heart that could not be repaired. But I did move on. I got stronger, I got rid of people in my life who did not understand or who did not support me. I found strength in the people who stood by me. I blossomed in many respects. I stood up for myself and for my children. I stopped caring what people said and I only privately lamented every year on Remembrance Day - when I took a whole week to cry and carry on and be ridiculous. But people in my life allowed it and I wiped my tears and I carried on every year. And in truth, I was so genuinely loved and cared for in that time that it started to melt away - the regret and the pain. I looked and seemed normal again. I laughed and partied and loved recklessly. My boyfriend for 8 years - not the most stable guy - but his family embraced me, his friends adored me, he worshiped me even though he could not get up on his own two feet. There was comfort with him and everyone in his life. I can tell you, birthdays and Christmas were amazing. Life was not easy and he was not easy - but people admired me then. I miss that. It's like never seeing the sun again.

I have become a tired, paranoid, cynical and ever on guard girl. If you knew me two years ago, you wouldn't recognize me today. I feel beaten. I went to a party the other day and I left by 10:30 because my anxiety was so bad. I knew there were people who didn't like me or maybe just didn't get me. I could not figure out a way to explain it - I could not see a way to fit in. Two years ago I was the last girl at the party. I loved going out and meeting new people and hanging with whoever. My friend said I was the girl you could take anywhere - you could dress me up or dress me down and I could talk to anyone. She said I was an excellent wing man. I cannot even imagine that now. My nerves are shot. I don't feel pretty anymore. No matter how hard I try it is etched on my face, I am lost. I am hardened and angry. I don't have patience anymore for small talk and gossip. I am guarded. I wonder why people are asking me questions - as if that isn't what people who don't know you have always done. I feel compelled to tell them nothing and then vomit up my life all in the same moment. I simply don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what's appropriate. I used to be an open book but now the story is so sad. It haunts me and you can see it. I just don't know where to start and I don't know where to end when I get started so I simply don't go out anymore. I am withdrawing more and more every day. I am tired of being judged. I am tired of being the outcast. I am just tired.

I am claimed by my family.

And it feels like not one soul could ever love me again for what I am now. She will never know, my sister, she will never know how this has ruined me. My carefree butterfly sister, we used to be so glamorous and so adored. What happened to us? I am simply not sure how to turn this story around. When we were young we just drank the woes away, we partied and laughed and we dressed up the hurts and we drew people to us with our charm and good looks. We never seemed empty like we do now. People were more forgiving, more accepting then. I guess after years people stop caring. Indeed, people can actually stop loving you. I had no idea that was possible. I know it now.