It's been two years. Aug 18 just passed and my sister would have been married 2 years. Aug 25 - her daughter's 3rd birthday. I am trying hard to imagine what it could have looked like if none of this had happened. Instead we will have a small party on Sunday. It will be nice - it will be as little of her life as my sister is going to get. I never know how my neice will react to me now. She should have been "my girl". I was so in love with her when she wa born. I couldn't hold her enough or buy her enough pink stuff. I couldn't get over that we finally had a girl in the family. Now we are virtual strangers. Will she ever know how cherished and loved she was? Will the strife between our families keep her from us? She will wander my house calling out for her mom when she is here without her. She knows my house shelters her Mother, the moment she walks in she begins looking. She loves her mom so much - even with all this distance between them. I wonder how that can be? But I am grateful for it. It keeps my sister alive and she doesn't get nearly enough of her daughter. I know she needs more, I am still responsible to make sure she gets her time with her daughter and my guilt is crushing that I don't upkeep that responsibility. But it was a responsibility given to me from her Father - the man I hate. He is using me to supevise her because deep down he knows I will never let anything happen to her but he knows it holds me captive to be the only one he will allow to have his daughter and my sister together. He knows it takes time from my family and my life and he doesn't care. I fucking hate seeing him when I pick her up and I fucking hate being nice because he can take her from us whenever he wants. I used to love him as my brother, my family. I adored him. The conflict of these feelings is something I just can't give a lot of thought to or it will break me. I want my fucking life back - my neice and my brother in law and my sister. We should have had a party together - on my deck with Princess hats. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't get away from this grief. Everytime I think I have moved on a special date comes up and kicks me in the face. I can't fight this every day so I don't. I live my life mechanically and do what I need to do. I just can't love like I used to love. How can I live this way anymore? How can my sister live this way? She told my husband the other day she didn't know what she was fighting for because no matter how far she comes she isn't getting her life back - she isn't getting me back or her kids. She says she doesn't see the use. I can't pray anymore, I can't wish or dream, I can't fucking do anything anymore. I have screamed this to the Universe a million times but just for good measure I need to say I WANT MY SISTER BACK. Not this person who talks too loud on the phone and makes nervous laughing sounds when she asks to see her son. I hate that my brain buzzes when she asks for sleepover with her son and I can't stop thinking of everything that could go wrong. I protect that child like he is my sister and I won't even let her hurt him though I know I cannot stop it. Though I know my grief is nothing compared to his. I want him to be well and I am sometimes so blinded by this that I keep him seperate from his mom. I can't protect either one of them - I am getting so cold inside. My love is falling by the side for so many people. I don't want to lose anymore. I don't want to love anyone anymore. But I yearn for it so much that I drive myself insane trying to get it. Addicted. Like my sister. Sigh.