Because it makes me see what I have to lose - again. And again. And again.
I cannot imagine what our relationship will look like anymore. If I treat her like she's sick, then we won't have the same relationship. If I treat her normal, then we won't have the same relationship. Because if anyone ever did to me what my sister has done, I would never speak to them again. Your tolerance just keeps getting higher and higher. You accept the unacceptable. You forgive the unforgivable. But then you begin to expect the worst. How do I make my brain stop doing this? I was so rude to my mom on the phone the other day. She called and sounded too happy and laughed a bit too often - it made me MAD. It seemed so fake and I did not want her to laugh her Southern Belle laugh and declare how "silly" the last two weeks have been and tell me amusing stories about the psych nurses on her floor. I should just shut up. I should just listen and laugh in all the right spots and comment on how dapper she seems - I know this. She wants this. But I can barely stop myself from screaming as she talks. When my sister was here, I couldn't be around her. I couldn't pretend that we were all a happy family hanging out with her kids. Like we used to when I would rock her baby to sleep while we all played cards. It was not like that. It was awkward and uncomfortable because I am her son's Guardian now. When she laments him for going to a Super hero movie without her or promises to pay him for all his extra chores around the house, I want to scream at her too. Because I know she will not follow through. Because I know this is not real, her parenting. It is temporary and she will go and leave me here. She wants nothing more than to be normal. We are at least alike in this.
I have been weeping again all week. I cry at every sad song and force myself to watch sad movies. I am sad. I am so devestated that I cannot even find joy in the good these days. I simply don't want to. I remember when my husband and I would say, "In June, She will be better and her son will go home". We planned to finish his school year and we stocked up on supplies so she wouldn't have to worry about clothes for her boy or socks or backpacks or school supplies. I bought grocery gift cards and started to buy her cute little tops like we used to buy for each other - we're both so tall that it was a MAJOR event to find a shirt long enough and we would buy each other two. We thought if we just held her together until June. The magic month when Child Welfare said it was Do or Die. There was no more time left in care for him. We believed she would make it. We all talked about June as the moment we would all step out of this nightmare and back into our lives.
That was almost a year ago.
I feel like I haven't had faith since then.
I feel like a terrible person. I feel empty inside as if I will never love anyone again. All my love feels fake now - impotent. I could cry one moment and rage the next. I am so undone. And my life and my sister's and my mother's - wasting seconds we should be loving. But not one of us can anymore. My brother still lives in the same city as me and I have not spoken to him in over a year. Indeed I am terrified that if I call him, he will show up and suck what is left out of me. He never just comes for tea. I dream that he will email me and tell me he understands, that he doesn't blame me and still loves me and wants the best for me. But in truth, the grapevine tells me he is simply hanging out with my ex-boyfriend, an old ploy to let me know I can kiss his ass.
If I stop feeling angry, I am afraid the grief will kill me.
